克拉克森：跟我一起去逃避
I’d love to do a Schofield and find an island to hide from the world’s problems - I know exactly where I’d like to go
我很想像斯科菲尔德一样找个小岛，远离世间的纷扰——而且我知道我想去哪里
Jeremy Clarkson
杰里米·克拉克森
Published: 20:30, 27 Sep 2024
发表于2024年9月27日
WHEN Phillip Schofield announced on morning television that he was gay, everyone rallied round and said how brave he’d been.
当菲利普·斯科菲尔德在早间节目上说他是同性恋的时候，大伙儿都说他是个勇敢的人。
But when it turned out that he’d actually done gay stuff, he was sacked, cancelled, eviscerated and swept into the bucket of history marked “disgraced ageing TV stars”.
但当人们发现他确实做过同性恋的行为的时候，他被解雇了，遭到了取消文化，被人们挖了个底朝天，还以“不光彩的老年电视名人”的身份被扫入历史的垃圾桶里。
I was actually quite cross about this, so even though I don’t know him at all well, I called him up and we had a long chat.
我对此感到挺不满的。所以说尽管我不太了解他，我还是给他打了一通电话，聊了很久。
It was like talking to a completely broken man because he could see no way back.
这过程就像是在和一个彻底崩溃的人聊天，因为他已经看不到回头路了。
I was therefore delighted to hear this week that he’s managed it.
所以说，这周我很高兴听说他解决了问题。
He’s been on a small island with nothing but a camera for company, and he’s made some kind of soul-searching documentary which will be aired by Channel 5 next week.
他孤身一人待在一座小岛上，只有一个摄像机相伴。他做了一档有点像探寻灵魂的纪录片，下周将在Channel 5播出。
My delight then turned to horror because I learned the small island was off Madagascar in the Indian Ocean.
但当我得知他去的这个小岛位于印度洋马达加斯加附近的时候，我的喜悦变成了惊恐。
And when I visited a small island off Madagascar a few years ago, it was rammed full of German paedos and the reception desk at my hotel was littered with signs telling guests they couldn’t take children back to their rooms.
几年前我在马达加斯加附近的一个小岛时，上面全都是德国恋童佬。我住的那家酒店的前台上摆满了告示牌，说房客不能将儿童带入房间内。
I thought that Channel 5 had screwed him.
我以为Channel 5把他给毁了。
Happily, however, they haven’t.
不过，庆幸的是，并没有如此。
He was on a different island. A deserted island.
他在另一座岛上——一座荒岛。
And looking at the pictures, I couldn’t help thinking: Hmmm. Couldn’t we all do with a break like that?
看着那些照片，我不禁在想：我们不能像这样休整一下吗？
Forgive the change in direction here but right now, the world feels very unstable.
请原谅这里的文风转换，但现如今整个世界似乎并不太平。
Ukraine shows no signs of getting better and the Israeli thing looks like it might actually get worse.
乌克兰的情况并没有好转的迹象，以色列的局势看起来可能会变得更糟。
Pretty much the whole of North Africa is a no-go area, America is descending into madness and, without wishing to sound like Enoch Powell, I do see some serious immigration issues coming Europe’s way in the near future.
几乎整个北非都成为了禁区。美国正在陷入疯狂。我不想像伊诺克·鲍威尔*那样，但我确实认为在不久的将来欧洲将会面临一些严重的移民问题。
So it’s all very gloomy on the world stage and things aren’t much cop at home because our new government is definitely going to wreck our economy in the coming years.
世界舞台看上去一片灰暗。英国国内的情况也不咋地，因为我们的新任政府肯定会在未来几年内搞垮我们的经济。
Doubtless, then, many of you will be thinking that maybe you too would like to put your head in the sand on a faraway island until the dust settles and things (hopefully) return to normal.
毫无疑问，你们当中的许多人也想把脑袋埋进一个遥远小岛的沙滩里，直到一切尘埃落定，万事万物（或许可以）回归正轨。
I’m not sure that Phillip Schofield’s would work, though.
但我不确定斯科菲尔德的小岛可以奏效。
While it might be far enough away to escape any unpleasantness from a nuclear holocaust, it’s too hot and too full of mosquitoes.
虽然它确实足够远，可以逃离核浩劫带来的任何不愉快，但那旮旯太热了，还都是蚊子。
For that same reason, all the tropical Robinson Crusoe islands are out.
基于同样的原因，所有热带地区的小岛都不能选了。
Svalbard, way up there next door to the North Pole, looks better.
位于北极附近的斯瓦尔巴群岛看起来会更好。
But actually, it’s too cold and there are too many polar bears.
但实际上，那儿太冷了，而且还有不少北极熊。
I’d like to recommend Tristan Da Cunha.
我想推荐特里斯坦-达库尼亚群岛。
Situated in the Atlantic about halfway between Africa and South America, it’s the most remote inhabited place on earth.
坐落于大西洋之中、大概在非洲和南美洲中间的位置上，它是地球上最偏僻的有人类居住的地方。
And when I say remote, the islanders didn’t even know the First World War had started until a year after it finished.
岛民直到一战结束一年以后才知道有这么一码事儿。
And when I say inhabited, it has a population of just 250.
岛上的人口数量达到了250人。
There’s one shop. One pub. And one policeman.
岛上只有一家商店、一个酒吧和一位警官。
Can you move there? Well, even though it’s a British overseas territory and has a British postcode, it’s not easy.
你能搬到那儿去吗？尽管它是英国的海外领土，有着英国的邮编，但也并不容易。
But it is possible.
但还是有可能的。
They always need a teacher and a doctor, for instance. And you can get a temporary visa which would last “until Starmer buggers off”.
例如说他们一直需要一名老师和一位医生。你可以办一个临时签证，有效期持续到“斯塔默滚蛋的时候”。
Normally, if I suggested buggering off to a rock in the South Atlantic for the next few years, you’d say “no thanks”.
通常情况下，如果我提议在接下来的几年里润到南大西洋的一块石头上过日子，你会说“不用了，谢谢您嘞”。
But after the Labour Party Conference this week, I bet some of you will now be calling Channel 5 and saying, “How do I sign up?”
但在本周的工党大会之后，我猜你们当中的有些人会打电话问Channel 5：“大哥我咋才能润出去啊？”
原文链接：https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/30721082/clarkson-phillip-schofield-island-documentary/
原作者：杰里米·克拉克森 Jeremy Clarkson
翻译&校对：ZN
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